Find My Place
by Rebellious Rogue
Summary: Spike POV. Songfic. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t save you.” I whisper to you. I press my fingers to my lip before touching your stone. Implied one-sided Spuffy. Post-The Gift. Pre-Bargaining.


A/N: This is just a little something I thought up after listening to Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin. This is placed before Season 6 Bargaining. I hope you like it. Please Review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That belongs to the wonderfully talented Joss Whedon. I also don't own Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin.

**Find My Place**

I walk down the grass as I always do just after sunset. I know the way so well that my heavy boots have started to make a path towards my final destination. I stop a few feet away to stare at my destination. I crumble to the ground letting my knees and hands touch the soft earth, dropping something on the ground.

_If I had to _

_I would put myself right beside you_

_So let me ask, would you like that? Would you like that?_

I lie down on the earth and just listen to the world around me. The earth beneath me seems to scream in agony like my unbeating heart. I love you so much still and I know I will continue for many years to come. It is an agony I will feel with all my immortality.

_And I don't mind if you say _

_This love is the last time_

_So, now I'll ask, do you like that? Do you like that?_

_NO!_

Part of me wonders if you could have possible loved me. If you hadn't left would you have been able to? You had been hurt by so many before me, would you have been able to give me a chance? I smirk a little at the thought of you giving me a chance but it makes my heart ache even more. I swallow the lump that had started to form in my throat. I promised myself tonight I wasn't going to cry.

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

_So tell me how it should be!_

I would love for you to tell me how I'm supposed to move on with you gone. I've been keeping my promise though. Dawn is doing well but she misses you terribly. The Scoobies are coping in the worse way possible but they will move on eventually. I still don't know how they could possible think -. Never mind luv, I won't worry you with the silliness of them.

I lay my head down on the grass staring up at the sky. I wonder if you would have liked to just lay and look at the stars. I could never quite figure out what made you tick, I could understand a lot though. I made you sick. The thought of a soulless thing like me that could love you. You hated me for it. Still I don't know if you would have liked to watch the stars.

_Try to find out_

_What makes you tick as I lie down_

_Sore and sick, do you like that? Do you like that?_

I chuckle up at the sky. Love. Hate. They are just feelings so closely intertwined that you sometimes can't tell the difference between one or the other. I know that personally. I hated you from the beginning but I also loved you from the beginning. You were beautiful and enchanting. I felt it was my destiny to kill you but in the end, it is my destiny to love you forever. Never leave, never stray. I'll always be here. Maybe if you were still here, you would see that.

_There's a fine line between love and hate _

_And I don't mind_

_Just let me say that I like that, I like that._

I feel a tear slide down my cheek. I don't want to break down crying but I know it's better if I do it now. If the Scoobies or Dawn were to see me, it would be bad. I sit up to stare at the grey headstone. I know the words by heart by now. I reach out a hand to touch the words and pull away as if burned. It's not my place to do so.

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

I glance away, knowing should Xander or Giles find me here, they would hurt me. I shouldn't mourn your death. I'm soulless so I could never understand the pain they feel of losing you. I feel it more so than they ever will. They will eventually forget, the pain will lessen for them. Mine is eternal pain.

I feel the tears slide faster now. It hurts to lose you. It makes me want to lay here until the sun comes up just so I won't feel that pain anymore. To welcome the sun one last time would be nice. Although I know then I would end up in hell and would have to live with the pain and it would torture me. At least here, I have things to do. Something you've asked me to do.

_As I burn another page_

_As I look the other way_

_I still try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

_So tell me how it should be!_

I made a promise to you. I'm keeping that promise. I crawl forward a little more, to finally touch the stone. I let my pale fingers slip over your name. A sob tears my throat. I don't know what I have become. I'm not a man and I'm not a monster. So what have I become? What have I been reduced to? I'm protecting the ones you love but they do not love me. They would rather you here than me and I wish to take your place, to die for you. Again what am I?

_Desperate_

_I will crawl_

_Waiting for so long_

_No love_

_There is no love!_

_Die for anyone, what have I become?_

"I'm sorry. I couldn't save you." I whisper to you. I press my fingers to my lip before touching your stone. I've spent more time than I should have with you. The Scoobies will be wondering where I am. I slowly start to stand, looking down at the stone. I know you aren't here but somewhere lovely. "I love you." I hope you can hear me though despite you not being here.

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

I give a small smile as I wipe the tears away. I walk a few steps away to grab the object I had dropped when I had gotten here. I walk forward and place a single red rose on top of your stone. It is my present to you, simply beautiful like you are. It seems William is still a part of me and I'm still the romantic poet I used to be.

_As I burn another page_

_As I look the other way_

I place my fingers to my lips one more time to press to the stone. A single tear drop rolling down my cheek once more. I turn walking away; walking to your friends and sister to fulfill my promise. I follow the bright moonlit path back the way I came. I glance back only once and know you are happy. Maybe one day I'll find my place.

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

Unbeknownst Spike, the moon brightened to land on the single red rose, where a glistening tear drop had fallen. A soft wind blew and a voice seemed to float from nowhere with a happy chime, "You'll find your place, Spike."

**The End**


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